Well, who knew I would start writing again here some day, but I guess I need an outlet. Those who talk to me frequently know I had a little bit of a relapse involving stress, anxiety, panick, and my heart going freaky on me, which landed me in the hospital for a few days, and really walloped me with a hell of a panick disorder. I've somehow skirted around becoming completely Agoraphobic, but a number of other problems have come from this nonsense. It's hell. And it's not going away easily.
The reason for writing again is this: It provides me an outlet to really exam the things that I know are truly bothering me, and maybe, with knifelike accuracy, identify these things, and then pursue some sort of resolution to them either with friends and family, or a shrink (I enjoy psychologists, as, even without the obvious benefit of being well-knowing in stress relief techniques, provide very interesting partners for psychological debate, something I enjoy immensely).
But then, how do I find the things that now bother me most and really expose them?
Well, I'm going to dwell a little bit backwards to when all of this started to happen again. Two things really stand out.
After I was released from the hospital, a day or two later, I had a full out flat-panick attack, my heart didn't get involved this time, but the thoughts of loneliness and isolation really came pressing in and for the first time in a while I almost cried. In retrospect, I should have, I do realize how many of my emotions I bottle up and try to keep in check these days, but now compared to when I was a kid, I realize I was MUCH more emotionally free as a kid, and probably (healthfully) didnt choke on my emotions like I do now, so I mean to change this when I get a chance.
It's okay to have emotions, I keep telling myself.
The other is that I didn't realize it before, but, I really really tell myself I hate myself a lot! And rather than throttling that thought and swatting it down with thoughts of how awesome I am, I'd just brush it off as an annoyance, but it would still stick around in the back of my psyche, etching away my confidence and eroding my brains ability to handle stress. Need to stop that. Really. I deserve to live, breath, and be happy just like anyone else, I'm also a hard worker and valuable guy to have here at work, I'm told repeatedly. I must do my best.
The other one is the ever constant stress of loneliness on the parental front. I told my mom flat out when this was happening I felt like I didn't have a family anymore, and I had no one to fall back on when times became dire and desperate. This constant line of threat has been assaulting my mind for 26 years straight, and its not going away. She has opened up a little, and even came to one heart stress test and echo cardiogram to look for reasons behind the Preventricular Contractions and arrythmia, and for a brief moment I was able to relax about that too.
Another source of problem, however, is my grandmother, and also my father. At some point, I need to call him, and try to bridge that gap. Somehow, but I dont know if it will work. The guy has never wanted to talk to me, or try to be a family, I was always a disgrace in everything I did, to him, and was constantly told things like I was being written out of the will, or that I was on my own now, because he had a new family. Those little bits of stress never go away either. Why am I not entitled the love of my own mother and father? Why do I have to struggle this hard, just to be acknowledged? I suppose you can see how I got the way I am, I bet.
There's other stuff too, but thats why I intend to write. Writing it down means I can read it. reading it means I can digest it. digesting it means, maybe I can come up with better and more healthier ways to make peace on this stuff. Who knows. But I do know that having panick attacks and heart problems once every 3 years is going to put a serious bender on my ability to make peace, find someone to love, and settle down to have a family. I don't want that to happen, you know? I want kids some day, a loving wife, a peaceful hardworking life touched nicely on the corners with loving affection, kids I can help raise and teach, and the beginnings of exploring the vast world I live in, but have seen so little of. Stuff like that.
Wish me luck, with all the gods in the universe. I know nothings physically wrong with my body, but to be so subsconsciously stressed as to put myself in a panic loop is rediculous. I must find a peaceful and calming solution to this, so that I can move along with life, and continue to work towards happiness.



